Metamorphmagus, you say?
by Werewolves-Oh-My
Summary: How Remus and Tonks got together, Crack!style! RLSB RLNT in a way and some slash, sort of? Warning: Sugar addled brain at work! If you like Tonks, beware! Not the nicest portrayal of Remus either, but he's so lovely that it doesn't matter anyway :


**This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I should cut down on my sugar consumption. Enjoy!**

* * *

Remus fell into the large cushioned chair by the fireplace with a hard 'thump'. Looking around gloomily, he slammed a fist on the armrest suddenly, fist tightening as his eyes rested on a picture of his beloved Sirius, who had passed away the previous year.

And, as much as he missed the romantic, caring, lovingness that came with being in a relationship, there was one other, rather problematic, issue with being single once again.

The lack of sex.

The first time round this hadn't been such a problem - Remus was young enough and virile enough to attract one or two Sirius lookalikes for a bit of hows your father. Nowadays, however, he felt neither confident enough nor energetic enough to go out on the pull, and his werewolfy appetite for sexual relations meant he was gagging for it.

So he'd just have to make do with the limited resources available to him.

"REMUS! BABY!" Tonks cried as she ran to where he sat, throwing herself at his feet. Kissing his knees, she rubbed his thighs eagerly, smiling up at him through her platinum blonde fringe. "Why won't you love me?"

"..." Remus looked at the girl, watching as her hair turned a rancid green with her sadness. A lightbulb flickered in his mind, and he grinned, feral teeth gleaming in the moonlight. "Oh, but Nymphadora, my darling metamorphagus, I do love you."

"YAY!" Tonks grinned, hair returning to its previous colour as she threw herself at Remus, lips flapping like a fish in the hopes of attaching onto Remus's, before a hand covered her mouth, keeping her away.

"I love you so much more when you have your dark hair." Remus told her, touching the blonde locks disdainfully. Tonks dutifully changed her hair colour, black locks replacing the light shades. "It looks nicer a bit shorter. Without the fringe." The changes were made, and Tonks darted forward once more, Remus evading the kiss at the last moment.

"An improvement, to be sure. But I think you look best with grey eyes. Slate grey." Remus nodded, and with a blink he was presented with the perfect shade. "You'd suit a slightly larger jaw, I believe. It would flatter your lips, which could be a bit thinner."

"Okay!" Tonks agreed easily, leaning forward to kiss Remus. This time, it was allowed, a series of brief kisses interspersed with small amendments.

"Longer nose." Remus whispered between kisses. "No, not that long! Larger eyes. Slightly further apart." He whispered, shrugging Tonk's shirt off her shoulders, followed by her bra.

"Hmm, something's wrong." Remus hummed, looking at Tonks contemplatively. "I think, maybe, you should lose the breasts."

"Like this?" Tonks asked as her breasts disappeared, replaced by hard pecs as she giggled femininely.

"Like that." Remus smiled, smoothing a hand over the pecs appreciatively. Reaching lower, he slid the skirt down past her knees. Stepping back to observe, he tutted casually. "I think you would look significantly better with a cock."

"A cock?" Tonks tilted her head, eyes comically widening.

"Yes, a cock." Remus replied, raising an eyebrow. "This won't be a problem, will it?"

"Oh, of course not." Tonks replied naively in her grating, feminine voice, altering her appearance as necessary, to Remus' precise measurements. Remus stepped back, admiring his handiwork before sweeping Tonks into his arms. Tonks tried to speak once more, before a hand silenced her.

"That is brilliant, dear Nymphadora. Now, no talking during sex. That would ruin this." Remus grinned, placing a kiss at the corner of 'her' mouth. "I hope you don't mind, I prefer using fake names during sex, it makes it seem more... exciting. So, dear Padfoot, lets not waste any time!"

* * *

Rolling off the she-male below him with a final pant, Remus pulled 'Tonks' towards him, pulling 'her' into a passionate kiss.

"Tonks, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Remus grinned, kissing his partner once more.

* * *

**  
SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! :D  
Don't take it srzly, bbz, its something that's been floating aimlessly around my mind for the best part of a year. You all know that Remus was soooo putting Tonk's skills as a metamorphagus to good use. He didn't just accidentally pick the one person that could possibly make themselves look like Sirius!  
Sooooo, waddaya think?  
**


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